Bush Elected the New Pope!
George W. Bush Elected Pope ... Cardinals Stunned!
Reported by Monsignor Guido Sarducci
The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose
a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed
amazement.
Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican spokesperson had this to say...
"We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our vote's using these
new electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored
George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John
Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages, this one
can't speak fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."
The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as
President of the world tomorrow morning, when "W' travels to Rome to
begin his duties as Pope.
George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose
Garden:
"I am honoured to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope.
I promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that I will be
embodied in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties.
I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as
many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as
it is well known that Heaven is a very select place, indeed, it is
more exclusive than even the best of country clubs. It is a members
only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around it.
I will perform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God
used to wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning whole
towns of perverts, killing off entire nations, and drowning everybody
without a ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall deliver the world from
Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.
I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased
family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow
those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will
put and end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys.
I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed
heathens-possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's Pseudo-religions
that don't accept the Lord as the Light of Democracy, and who worship
fake, made-up gods.
They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them
with my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in
Hell, because Me and God don't take no prisoners!"
Reported by Monsignor Guido Sarducci
The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose
a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed
amazement.
Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican spokesperson had this to say...
"We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our vote's using these
new electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored
George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John
Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages, this one
can't speak fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."
The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as
President of the world tomorrow morning, when "W' travels to Rome to
begin his duties as Pope.
George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose
Garden:
"I am honoured to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope.
I promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that I will be
embodied in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties.
I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as
many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as
it is well known that Heaven is a very select place, indeed, it is
more exclusive than even the best of country clubs. It is a members
only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around it.
I will perform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God
used to wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning whole
towns of perverts, killing off entire nations, and drowning everybody
without a ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall deliver the world from
Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.
I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased
family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow
those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will
put and end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys.
I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed
heathens-possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's Pseudo-religions
that don't accept the Lord as the Light of Democracy, and who worship
fake, made-up gods.
They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them
with my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in
Hell, because Me and God don't take no prisoners!"
posted by Wounded Liberal at 1:59 PM
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