Letter From California to Mr. Bush

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and the urban half of Ohio.

We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. In case you forgot, this also includes the perfect San Diego climate (Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Fallujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?)

Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)

We wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously.

Sincerely,
California

Bush Gets One Right

In four years, George W. Bush has gotten exactly 2 things right. Killing the environment? No. Spending us into oblivion while cutting taxes? Nope. Blocking stem-cell research that might eventually save lives? Of course not.

Bush did a fine job routing the Taliban in invading Afghanistan after 9/11. The invasion was absolutely necessary and his handlers did a fine job getting him through it. Osama bin Laden has not been found yet, but let's not quibble.

So he got that right. The second thing was hiring Bernard Kerik to be the new Director of Homeland Security. Kerik rose through the NYPD to its top position, and did a fantastic job. Working with Mayor Giulani, Kerik's police force lowered the crime rate dramatically. More to the point, he was on the job on September 11th. He watched the Twin Towers fall and was on the front line. He knows how to get things done and I believe he is the perfect person for this position.

One caveat...I worry if raising his national profile so much might lead him to a NY Senate seat down the road. He would have a good chance to be a Republican Senator from a Blue State. That, however, is a worry for another time. Bush actually got this one right. Maybe Cheney will give him a cookie.